Absolution
by Where I Cannot Follow
Summary: Silently, he crossed himself in apology and bowed his head, annoyed with his own awkwardness. His reverence was rusty from disuse and he was long out of practice. Maria would be much better at this, he was certain. He could not image her stepping into a confessional and worrying about saving face. No, she was far too honest and penitent for that.


_So, this is kind of my first TSOM fanfiction but not really. I was in the middle of writing my actual first one when this popped into my head and started running away with me. It was meant to be a oneshot, but ended out being quite long, so I've decided to split it into two chapters—the second of which I plan to finish tomorrow._

 _Also, there is quite a bit of dialogue in this one. It heavily consists of religious content, but I am not Catholic and am only just beginning to learn about the religion with the intention of conversion from Protestantism. I've never actually been to confession and know only what I have learned from those who have guided me in my visits to Catholic Mass. Therefore, if I've gotten something wrong, please don't be offended—please, just let me know what it is and what I could do to fix it._

 _Lastly, this is pretty much my guinea pig piece. I'm testing the waters of the TSOM fandom, so please let me know your thoughts, whatever those may be!_

* * *

Georg drew the curtain behind him and kneeled, flexing the fingers of either hand uncomfortably. He took a deep breath and hoped that he would get through this without feeling like fool— _no, that's not right._ This was not about his pride, this was about forgiveness. Silently, he crossed himself in apology and bowed his head, annoyed with his own awkwardness. His reverence was rusty from disuse and he was long out of practice.

Maria would be much better at this, he was certain. He could not image her stepping into a confessional and worrying about saving face. No, she was far too honest and penitent for that.

Closing his eyes, Georg shook his head and drew all his focus upon his purpose for being here just as the screen slid open and the shadowed face of the priest came into view.

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit," he said quietly, crossing himself before clasping his hands together at his chest. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been six years since my last confession. I ask for your help if I get this wrong or forget something, Father. It has been a very a long time."

"I will guide you through your Penance, my child," the priest assured him. "But I cannot feel your contrition for you. You must continue with a truly repentant heart for your confession to be good."

Georg nodded but whispered his understanding when he recalled that the priest could not see him. The priest prompted him to continue.

"I am afraid that my confession will be a lengthy one, Father," he began, shifting on his knees and twisting his intertwined fingers nervously. "Since the death of my late wife six years ago, I have forsaken the church and my faith. I am guilty of feeling resentment towards the Almighty Father and rejected His mercy. I have unjustly blamed Him for her death. In my anger, I have neglected the proper rearing of my children and their religious education. I have taken the name of the Lord, our God, in vain."

Georg paused and breathed deeply, blinking back unexpected tears as the magnitude of his offenses pressed down upon his heart like a lead weight. Somehow, speaking them aloud solidified them. No longer could he ignore them or argue within himself or make excuses.

"These are grave sins, indeed, my child," the priest said somberly. "But the Holy Spirit tells me that you have more to confess."

"Yes," Georg agreed and his voice was thick as he continued with a small sniff, the words beginning to pour forth effortless now. "I am also guilty of the sins of pride and uncharitable thoughts against my neighbors. I am guilty of gluttony in the imbibing of spirits and traveling to partake in social enjoyments whilst leaving my children in the care of staff. I have allowed anger and impatience to harden my heart and I have been unforgiving towards others. And…I am also guilty of sexual self-gratification and lust, Father."

"Are these the extent of your sins, my child?"

"No, Father," he answered, untangling his fingers to wipe at his eyes before quickly folding them together again. The weight within his chest grew as he thought of what he had to confess next and he felt as though this very moment had the potential to send his entire world crashing down upon him. "I am guilty of another sin—the severity of which…I do not even know."

"What is this sin?" the priest asked, clearly perturbed by the gravity of his words.

Georg closed his eyes tightly—whether in candor or fear of damnation, even he did not know.

"I have fallen in love with a woman in her postulancy," he confessed, unable to look at the priest's face through the screen for fear of the chastisement that he was certain he would find there. Without giving the priest an opportunity to respond, he rushed on. "Against this woman, I have committed many sins. I treated her with disrespect and resentment and anger in the beginning of our acquaintance, all whilst she accepted my abuses against her with kindness and forgiveness. She never even lost her temper or contradicted me except in the defense of my children. I have since apologized to her and received her forgiveness, but Father—Father, then I fell into the sin of lust and unchaste thoughts, even before I fell in love with her. Out of respect for her, I never allowed those thoughts to continue, but they still happened and I am very sorry for these infractions against her and against the Lord. To her, I cannot yet apologize because she would not want it—I believe she would find it too… _humiliating_ and I could not bear to do that to her, but—."

"'Yet'?" the priest interjected quickly into Georg's rapid speech, clearly struggling to keep up with his penitent's confession.

Georg swallowed hard. "Here is where I have become lost, Father. I know that she has not yet taken her vows, but she has sworn her life to God. She felt her calling and answered to it. Maria is precious and a rare woman of faith. Hell, she—," he cringed at his habitual use of the word and asked for forgiveness, crossing himself once more. "Through her example, she has led me back to God. Not only have I fallen in love with her, but I have asked her to marry me and she has accepted. And I cannot begin to describe the joy I feel in knowing that we will soon be married, nor the guilt. Father, please tell me…have I stolen from God in engaging myself to a woman that was preparing to vow her life to Him?"

He was answered with only silence for a long moment and Georg felt his heart sink and his stomach churn, certain that the priest must be lost for words in the face of his depravity. He was shocked to hear the man chuckling lowly on the other side of the screen, his mirth only mounting when Georg whispered his name in bewilderment.

"I am afraid that by the details of your confession, you have relinquished the anonymity of this confessional, Captain von Trapp," the priest whispered, to Georg's surprise, reigning in his amusement to speak with him seriously. "But first, allow me to reassure you that _no man_ is capable of stealing a child of God from Him. The circumstances of your engagement to this woman were set forth by God in _His_ timing. You believe in Fräulein Maria's goodness so strongly that you feel that her vows of honor and commitment _must_ be deserved only by God. But this is a determination that cannot be made by you or I or any man. A woman's purity and goodness does not immediately obligate her to life in a convent. Did our Heavenly Father call Saint Mary to become a nun?"

Georg was silent but listened with rapt attention, the burden of his heart diminishing with every passing second.

"The love of a man and a woman is a holy bond, ordained by the Father," he went on. "As long as your desires to marry her are chaste and pure, founded upon the love which the Apostle Paul described in the Word of God, your marriage shall be a blessing to you both, from the Father. Your great concern for her in this matter is endearing and it gives me confidence in the purity of your intentions in marrying this woman. For your lust, you will find forgiveness in the eternal Mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ. For falling in love with a postulate and marrying her in purity and love, you require no forgiveness, but shall be joined together as one in the sanctified union of marriage."

Georg could not speak, though the priest's words and the liberation he felt in confessing his sins to receive God's forgiveness had his chest burning in joyous reprieve. Breathing heavily, he bowed his head like a man rescued from his own damnation and rested it upon the partition. In coming to confession, he had not known exactly what he expected, but it certainly had not been this—this utter breaking and openness that had rendered him vulnerable in the presence of his priest and, most importantly, in the presence of God. For all his many sins and all that he had struggled with throughout his lifetime, never had he felt such trepidation in confessing his sins as he had on this day. Nor had he ever felt so thoroughly and entirely absolved.

After a long moment in which he allowed Georg to contend with his inner thoughts, the priest continued.

"Are these the extent of your sins, my child?"

"Yes," Georg whispered.

"Then you should now offer a prayer of contrition to the Lord, my child," he reminded him.

Georg leaned back onto his knees and prayed the same prayer that he had since his childhood with greater sincerity than ever before, though the words felt strange on his tongue from disuse. "Oh, Heavenly Father, for these sins which I have committed against You, I am gravely sorrowful—and for any other sins which I cannot recall. I humbly beg your forgiveness, my Lord, and shall remain forever grateful for Your eternal mercy, which I shall never deserve but which You give in Your everlasting Grace. Amen."

"In penance for your sins, you must take upon yourself a fasting from alcohol until one month from today and from food until the day after tomorrow at dusk. You must also seek to make up for the time lost for your children's religious education, for their knowledge of the faith is your responsibility. Lastly, your abandonment of the Church and of the Faith must come to an immediate end—pray to the Heavenly Father for the strengthening and rebuilding of your own faith, as well as that of your family. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen," the priest concluded and Georg crossed himself in unity with him and thanked him.

"I should like to speak to you now in guidance, if I may, Captain von Trapp."

Drawing one last deep and steadying breath, Georg slowly released his hands and rose from the prie-dieu to sit back upon the small wooden bench behind him.

"I happen to be privy to Fräulein Maria's situation and believe that you are correct in seeking her forgiveness for your unchaste thoughts _after_ your marriage," the priest began, interpreting his silence as consent. "It is not my usual practice to form steady friendships with the Sisters or their postulates, but, as you must know from being acquainted with her for any length of time, Fräulein Maria is rarely where she is supposed to be and a rather unusual young lady. The Sisters have their differing opinions on her, but I find her an absolute joy. She reminds me very much of my sister and I have come to know her fairly well during her time here at Nonnberg Abbey. I am certain that you know her much better than I, so what I have to say is but for your own reassurance that you have chosen the proper course of action. Since she joined our small community, I have found that she has always taken great care to preserve the virtues of chastity and modesty in her actions and in her conversations. More than I expected after the Mother Abbess consulted with me after her initial interview for the postulancy. Fräulein Maria has suffered greatly in her past, yet she has not allowed her experiences to taint her. There is a genuine innocence to her that should be cherished," he said and Georg did not miss the subtle emphasis placed upon his last words. He smiled at his hands in his lap but said nothing and waited for him to continue. "I feel that to address it with her sooner would…add insult to injury, shall we say? Not that I think she would resent you for it—she is far too charitable—but, I daresay it would cause her discomfort."

His smile began to fade, though not for lack of joy, but somber contemplation of the duty he knew he must honor before he could possibly ask her for the intimacy of their marriage bed.

"I thank you, Father," Georg replied, wishing to shake the man's hand but unwilling to break the tradition of the confessional any more than they already had. Giving one last sniff and drying his eyes with a handkerchief, Georg attempted to set himself to rights and make himself presentable, his spirits truly lifted for the first time in many years. He felt as though an unbearable burden had been lifted from his shoulders.

"You have been forgiven, my child," the priest dismissed him. "Now, go forth with a glad heart in the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

"Amen," Georg joined, crossing himself and bowing his head to the cross above the screen.

Leaving the confessional, he kneeled to the crucifix and crossed himself with the holy water with a sincere reverence which he had not felt in a very long time. His heart beat rapidly in his chest and he could not smother the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth. He felt as though he might burst if he did not tell someone.

His thoughts turned again to Maria. Who would be more receptive of his spiritual joy and genuinely glad of it than she? Nearly bounding down the church steps, he diverted his footsteps towards the street entrance of the abbey.


End file.
